Spit up and the Suburbs

Alyssa knew just as well as Steph that standing up to the petite yet powerful Lanie Lamond—who had never met a power-walking-past-everyone-else, nose-up-in-the-air opportunity she couldn’t wholeheartedly embrace—was far too risky. 

Sure, Alyssa’s older and wiser neighbor could de-escalate conflicts on the Almería Moms Facebook page without upsetting anyone involved. Steph would skillfully pop into a particularly-heated discussion about which kid allegedly stole another’s classroom reward tickets on the bus by calmly explaining she’d already talked to the teacher, who was a good friend of hers, naturally, and who promised she’d handle the situation the next morning. Or, Steph would gently yet firmly pin a reminder about how members were expected to treat one another in the group when some moms (and dads) forgot their manners—without naming anyone specifically. 

But call out Lanie’s bad behavior in real life, off of social media? Terrifying. Impossible.

Still, Steph possessed some pretty important superpowers online. She had the ability to turn off comments if members were getting ugly over a purported incident involving a middle schooler on an e-bike yelling out an obscenity at someone’s grandma, or a neighbor mowing their lawn too early on a Sunday morning. She could even get you kicked out of the group for good if you didn’t heed warnings to keep language civil and not attack another parent over, say, school rezoning proposals, or teens who ding dong ditched your house when you’d just gotten your baby to sleep. “I’m pressing charges for trespassing!” was an over-the-top threat that Steph was able to talk one particularly riled up neighbor out of. And, importantly, Steph was also the only person who could admit new members. 

Bottom line: Alyssa really needed access to Steph’s superpowers so she could settle the score with Lanie and all of her evil cohorts, on both of their behalf—as well as for every other mom in the shadows whose lives these ladies had made a living hell. 

Her idea was simple. Alyssa would petition Steph for permission to add a fake persona to the group, so she could do her evil bidding without risking hers or her kids’ safety! 

It was a big gamble to even share her idea with Steph. So, Alyssa had to be careful about how she went about her extremely large ask. Good thing she’d stayed up the past several nights, with Will snoring like a chainsaw with a megaphone next to her, thinking through the best way to position the idea to her all-powerful streetmate.

Back on the driveway, Alyssa did something she always cautioned her kids against: She spread some gossip. It was unsavory, but necessary in this particular situation. 

“I hate to even repeat this…” she began mumbling, letting her voice trail off, and pretending to mull over what she was about to say, then shaking her head as if the mall-outfitted angel on her shoulder had beat out the Prada-wearing devil on the other side. “I can’t.”

Steph put her hand on Alyssa’s arm in a caring gesture that suggested it was OK to share in the “safe space” between their houses. And so, Alyssa leaned in closer and, barely above a whisper related, “Lanie cropped your son out of a photo from the mother-son event before posting it online.” She let out a huge sigh, as if carrying the weight of this secret had been too much.

Oh, rest assured that it was true. Alyssa had been right there when the picture was taken, watching from the sidelines of course, as she helped Luke pile his plate high with cookies from the buffet. Nearby, a bunch of excited kids mugged for a photo in front of the bounce house, including Lanie’s son—and Stuart Bush.

Later, on Facebook, Alyssa saw the same image posted to the AES moms’ page, with a caption boasting about what a fun night it’d been. Copiously missing from the shot? Stuart, who had been cut right out so that Lanie and Trish’s sons, as well as a few other offspring of marquee PMS Club members, could take center stage.

As soon as the words left her mouth, Alyssa understandably found herself standing next to a mama bear scorned. Meanwhile, Jude and Luke were starting to get restless, with the little guy pulling at Alyssa’s shirt in an effort to get to her boobs for a snack, and Luke now yelling for an ice pop in an unrelenting loop. 

Alyssa knew she had to make her plea while Steph was still entrenched in her rage era. 

So, she simply put it out there: “I sometimes fantasize about giving Lanie a piece of my mind, without her knowing it’s me. Like, anonymously…through an alias or something…” Then, she laughed, as if the idea were so crazy, it could never exist in reality. 

How Steph reacted was not at all what she expected.