Spit up and the Suburbs

“You have been accepted to the Almería Moms Private Group,” read the Facebook message. 

Alyssa couldn’t believe her eyes. Her new alter ego, Linny Steinberg, was free to post and comment in the most presumptuous, discourteous, unpleasant group on the worldwide web after having been let in by none other than administrator Stephanie Bush. 

As it turned out, Steph agreed with Alyssa that afternoon on the driveway that she saw the benefit of someone anonymously cutting a few of the more egregious community members down to size. She too had had enough. Lanie Lamond thinking she had the right to skip the pick-up line at school—and actually target Steph to cut in front of because she knew good-natured Steph wouldn’t confront her? Especially after photoshopping Steph’s only son out of a photo? This simply couldn’t continue. 

If you feel badly for Lanie, well, consider the Range Rover Queen’s latest Facebook post as evidence that she deserved what was coming to her: 

“To the teens on e-bikes who terrorized my kids: Where’d you learn to talk like that? Seriously? And slow down! My sweet little son was scared for his life. Do you even know where your teens are and what they are doing, parents? Your kids weren’t even wearing helmets! You know who you are.” 

Rich coming from a mom whose “sweet little” son routinely sped around at an unsafe clip on his e-scooter with no supervision, right?

Nonetheless, dozens of flowy dress robots piled into the comments to provide support for the egregiously-wronged kids, despite knowing almost no details about the incident and who specifically was involved, and without anyone bothering to note that not every conflict must be aired on social media, or that some problems can actually be resolved in real time—without shaming anyone or lobbing wild accusations at minors and their upbringing.

More motivated than ever to act, Alyssa began looking for the perfect post to slip into to introduce Linny Steinberg to the group. No, she wasn’t planning to take out a full-page advertisement about her family like the ones she’d seen before.

“Hello new neighbors! I’m Kelly and my husband Todd (it was always Todd, Jeff, or Ryan) and I have two kids, (insert odd, hippie-millennial fusion names, like Twain or McCartney here). We just moved here from Ohio (again, it was always Ohio—or New Jersey) and we’d love to meet other families in the area with first and fourth graders! P.S. Anyone know of a great place to get fish tacos?” 

No, this kind of post would call too much attention to Linny. The goal was to be stealth, and effective.

It was actually in the comments section of Lanie Lamond’s post about the e-bike bandits that Alyssa decided to post as Linny for the first time. It was slightly risky given how many Alo matching set-wearing moms were dying at the stake for the verbal and physical “attack” against the Lamond kid, but thrilling, too, if you consider that Alyssa’s morning routine typically consisted of sipping reheated coffee, while supervising her young sons as they played or watched the same Vlad and Niki videos on repeat.

She perched at the breakfast bar, wearing her momiform of yoga pants and a tank top with a built-in shelf bra, and gulped her lukewarm a.m. brew. Underneath Lanie’s social media stand about the e-bike outlaws, Alyssa keyed in a comment that was a bit different from the other Burchbots admonishing the adolescents.

“I’m new to the neighborhood but I have witnessed a lot of good behavior from kids on e-bikes who are wearing helmets and obeying the laws of the land, as well as using their words responsibly. Just sharing a little positivity to counter the hostility I see on here. Let’s remember that kids are still learning how to behave, but we know better as adults. Right?” She slowly tapped out her masterfully passive-aggressive comment on her iPhone. 

Then, Alyssa held her breath. Was she really going to do this? Should she stop now before she started a dangerous game, toying with the mom mafia? After all, she was fully aware that this could all backfire. Besides, was getting the cold shoulder at BTS nights really that bad? 

Just as her doubts began to take over, a memory smashed into Alyssa like Conner Lamond on his scooter en route to AES. She saw herself from above on one of the many afternoons when she’d stood outside the school at pick-up time, and all around her, clone-like moms sporting oversized sunglasses and lips chatted and laughed, all seemingly in on the same joke. Everyone was coupled up or in groups, but there she was, standing alone, in her sweaty yoga pants and worn out flip flops, trying to force a smile onto her face. Had Alyssa missed the email blast about being sure to dress your best for school pick up? It must have gotten lost among the millions of PTO reminders. Or was there a reality show filming nearby that she hadn’t signed a release to participate in?

Of course, Jude and Luke were with her every day at pick up, so Alyssa would busy herself pointing out cars and planes, bugs and trees. But how she longed to make a connection with one of the other moms, for whom chit chat seemed to come so easily. As she awkwardly shifted from foot to foot, pushing down feelings of self doubt, Alyssa always found herself wondering why she wasn’t a part of any of the apparently fascinating and hilarious conversations taking place around her.

Didn’t anyone want to know what she was doing this weekend, or what she planned to make for dinner? Did they care whether her husband was traveling soon for a business trip, or if she could recommend a good place to shop for kids’ jeans?

Mercifully, just as her pity party was reaching its lowest point, she would see Bryn and Penny fly out of school. Among calls of “See you tonight!” coming from the other moms, Alyssa would try to shake off her hurt feelings, hugging her little ones tight, and heading home. 

But it wasn’t easy to quiet that voice in the back of her head that insisted something was wrong with her. Why didn’t anyone want to include her in their weekend plans—or at least get her opinion about that new pizza place opening up down the road? 

She always walked home with her kids, a pit in her stomach. Luckily, soon Alyssa would be distracted by snack demands and the afternoon carpool rush. But it was never easy to shut down that feeling of being on the outside looking in on other perfect moms living their best lives.

Now, cradling her iPhone, Alyssa hit “send” on her first comment as Linny Steinberg.

She couldn’t have imagined what would happen next.