Spit up and the Suburbs

Stephanie Bush’s usually friendly face was pressed into an angry scowl when Alyssa pulled her car into her chalk-covered driveway. 

“Hey!” Alyssa called innocently across the street as she hopped out of the car, a few Goldfish falling out on the driveway at her feet. Bryn and Penny were next out of the car, but they didn’t stick around long and instead dashed inside the house to devour the contents of the pantry. Alyssa got Jude out of the car, and he instantly suctioned himself to her hip, and then there was Luke, hiding behind her legs, with his demands for another snack growing in intensity by the minute. Alyssa knew she had a small window of time to make this work.

The good news was that today, Steph was in no rush to disappear into her house. The usually mild-mannered mom marched down the driveway and stood there like a statue with its arms crossed, seemingly internally debating whether she should unleash on Alyssa, or do an about face and head inside to seethe in private. 

“You OK?” Alyssa encouraged her gently, willing her boys to keep quiet long enough for Steph to feel comfortable opening up.

“She did it again,” Steph informed Alyssa, her eyebrows shooting up so high on her Botoxed-skull that Alyssa worried they might snap off. 

This was going to be good.

“Who?” Alyssa asked in a faux innocent tone, petting Luke’s sandy blonde hair as he pulled on the yoga pants she’d never had a chance to change out of that day—and may or may not have slept in the night before. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Steph let out a giant sigh. “Who does she think she is?” she demanded, going on to recount how Lanie’s Range Rover had driven particularly dangerously around her minivan that day to cut the pick-up line “yet again.” 

“This can’t go on,” the mom-of-two informed Alyssa, in a way that made it clear she would never have the guts to actually say anything to Lanie about her rudeness, but felt wronged on a visceral level. Not that Steph was a pushover. Far from it! But, Lanie had been named volunteer of the year last year at AES. She had her own parking space next to the vice principal. As the social pecking order dictated, even the Facebook admin fell beneath the likes of Lanie Lamond. 

For a brief moment, Alyssa let her mind wander to how Lanie had also won the golf cart raffle at the holiday bazaar last year—but that had to be a coincidence, right?

In any case, both Steph and Alyssa knew that crossing Lanie would lead to Almería banishment, if not worse. Remember, Lanie’s family owned a chain of very popular med spas. Imagine if Steph couldn’t book a Botox or LED light therapy appointment anywhere in the Southeast. The horror!

And that’s why they’d need to go about schooling the PMS Club VP in a much more round-about manner.