Spit up and the Suburbs

It was just as Alyssa was pulling into AES behind Stephanie Bush’s light blue minivan on Wednesday that her school pick up stakeout started paying off.

Mere minutes before the school bell was set to ring, a sparkling, fresh-from-the-carwash, gold Range Rover sped with wild abandon past both Steph’s minivan and Alyssa’s SUV, and darted into the tiniest gap in the pick up line ahead of Steph, with mere millimeters to spare. Alyssa watched with disbelief at the blatant disregard for others, not to mention the safety of schoolchildren, from behind the cover of her windshield and TJMaxx sunglasses. Of course, Steph was too nice to do anything like honk or roll down her window to offer a choice word or certain finger. 

Meanwhile, Alyssa recognized the shiny vehicle right away. It belonged to card-carrying, MNO regular and staple PMS Club member Lanie Lamond. 

Lanie was a Trish McCabe clone, except in miniature. The petite, defacto co-room mom year after year could typically be counted upon to wear the standard issue ripped jeans, trendy boutique tops, and accessories like eye-rolling-expensive Louis Vuitton slides; that is if she wasn’t showing up to school in Lululemon workout wear, since naturally Lanie was a CrossFit cyborg, too. 

The Lamond family owned a chain of med spas, so naturally, Lanie was also a Botox and lip filler junkie, just like every other PMS Club automation, in case you were curious about how her forehead managed to look younger than her 10-year-old daughter’s. 

As a bonus, Lanie also happened to practice free-range parenting, so of course she could be counted on to send her kindergartner off to school on an electric scooter sans parental supervision. On multiple occasions, Dennis the Menace for a new era had driven full-speed into Alyssa’s ankles en route to school in the morning. One time she’d spilled her precious hot coffee all over her outfit as he sped away. Charming, right?

Today, the injectables victim must have been late coming back from another med spa sesh—or perhaps she’d just forgotten her manners. With a dismissive wave, all 5 foot 1 inches of Lanie Lamond swerved into prime pick-up position outside of AES, without so much as a second thought about cutting off the one and only admin of the community’s Facebook page. Surprising move, since Lanie was a frequent poster, often asking if anyone knew of a last-minute babysitter for her brood, or wanted to contribute to the PTO’s seemingly-weekly fundraiser. 

No matter how many times over the years that Alyssa had wanted to barf all over Lanie, her designer clothes, and her smug, holier-than-thou demeanor, she felt thankful for this random act of peon abuse. Indeed, it was this exact segue Alyssa had been praying for all week. She had her first official victim. Now all she had to do was convince Steph the tiny troll deserved what was coming to her.